and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
last night I used snow as a chaser
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
