who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
