You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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