Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
did i just pee glitter
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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