I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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