god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
The air was thick with penises
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
We need to feng shui this bitch.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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