I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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