RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
