what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
