I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
