I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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