Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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