Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize