i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
