that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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