My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
My butt remains clenched, sir.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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