I just threw up on my dentist
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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