A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
