Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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