so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
