3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I can't turn off my feet"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
