Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
