well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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