I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
