some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
