My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
