he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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