Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I want to be your penis for a week.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
