She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
