Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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