dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
