I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
