Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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