some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
