God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Randomize
