my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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