Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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