in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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