One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
