I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
