Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
