when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
