I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
