one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
