On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
