Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
