No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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