Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
