When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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