My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
