last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
