she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
