I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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