the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she peed on how many people?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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