Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
