i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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