Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
