So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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